Human Female: Unemployed

I’m a job seeker. It’s basically part of my identity now I’ve been doing it so long. I used to be a young, dynamic kinda gal, but now I’m the Crypt Keeper. Bearing this in mind, I have just spent two hours on a cover letter for a job I would be happy to take bets I will never hear back from, which I think deserves a wider audience.

Everyone who is unemployed and wants to scratch the eyes out of every smug employer who discards your carefully sculpted applications – this one’s for you. Peace out.

This is genuinely what I look like.

NB. David Bowie is one of my heroes, and he provided 19 quotes for this letter.

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am applying for the position of copy assistant because of a great modern love for writing and a fascination  with the potential of developing my skills in an advertising role. God knows I’m good, as an adaptable and committed worker, willing to make changes and develop my style. I am a strong candidate and an excellent writer, as demonstrated in my academic career, published works and creative social media accounts. I can guarantee a consistently high standard of written material in any format and for any demographic, anyway, anyhow, anywhere.

As my CV shows, I have a first class degree from Newcastle University in History with Spanish and Latin American Studies, and a distinction in MA Transnational Studies from UCL. It’s little wonder that during those golden years at university I was able to develop excellent time management skills, organisation and attention to detail, as well as an ability to work to deadlines and independently produce well formatted, appropriate results. I also have strong research skills and the ability to isolate important details from large volumes of information and fashion them into accessible and understandable text. I have won prizes for my creative writing and had a short story published in a UCL anthology. As an old-time ambassador of sweet-talking, I also wrote flashfiction for the UCL Publishing prize Twitter account as part of the advertising campaign for the next years prize.

I currently maintain a blog pairing books and wine (bedheadblogs.wordpress.com) and have a creative Twitter account where I compose and retweet pretty things in preparation for a world to come where the books are mostly digital.

My work experience includes work as an English Language Assistant for the British Council in a secondary school in Tenerife, where I independently planned and took lessons with classes of up to thirty students, starting as absolute beginners and some subsequently developing the language skills of young Americans. This role required creativity and originality in my work, and the development of public speaking and interpersonal skills.

I have volunteered at theatres at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, in Bolivia with spider monkeys and in Thailand with elephants. As a volunteer I never lost control of my team, though frequently working under pressure in new and challenging circumstances. In Edinburgh, administrative work of running a busy theatre required an organised and conscientious approach and the ability to deal quickly and methodically with any problems arising.

In my spare time I’m hooked to the silver screen or travelling, most recently spending four months travelling solo through South East Asia.

I look forward to hearing from you after today and thank you for your consideration.

 

 

It’s a god-awful small affair, but it’s made me laugh. (They’re not in bold in the actual application. That would be stupid.)

 

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